Friday, November 9, 2007

ADA: Finance Is Like A Simile

Alternate Dimension Andy (ADA):

Good personal finance habits are like eating your vegetables: you can know that it's good for you. You can know that it's something you need to do. It's not always fun and sexy. But if you want to be healthy, it's something you just have to do.

No, wait, that sucked. Good personal finance habits are more like a diet. Peeps complain, "I'm sooooo fat. OHGODI'MFAT!!! I wish this situation would resolve itself!" But listen up, bitches: you gotta exercise and eat right, and that's it, plain and simple. You can't wish away your problems; you actually have to work at them.

Dammit, no. That example makes me a hypocrite. Okay, let's try this: Finance is like an automobile. It's a very complex machine, but if you want to use it to your advantage, you really don't have to learn that much. But it does require some learning. And there are both safe and unsafe ways of handling it. And it requires maintenance, and gas... like, you have to take care of it and shit. And sometimes it bursts into flames, but if you waste your life worrying about that shit, you're not going to have a very happy life. Better to at least learn the basics, though.

Pathetic. Slashdot-post-worthy. Let's come up with a good one: Finance is like a delicate apple tree sapling. You have to plant it and take care of it, but when it grows up, you have free apples for life. FOREVER. Until the tree dies. But, like, if you want to, you can take some of those apples and plant them and get more apple trees, you can do that too. Yes, okay, excellent. And some people want to come onto your property and pick apples and shit, even if you're all, "TRESSPASSERS WILL BE SHOT SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN LOL." So take care of that tree!

What a fucking waste. If you can go back in time to un-read that, please do, then just skip to this one. This one will be the crown jewel of personal finance similes. Ready? Okay, finance is like a simile: it's like a metaphor, except that it uses "like" or "as."

Sucked. Money management is like learning to use a spreadsheet. Most people think they'll never have to do it, and that it looks hard. But then one day, they learn how and they're all, "Oh, wow, that wasn't that hard." And then they've enriched their lives because now they know how to use Excel.

No. Also sucked. Personal finance is like a blog: if you don't post for months, people will still probably read it. Just get some articles out there, and it'll sort of take care of itself. But it's way, way, way, so much fucking better if you blog regularly. I mean, if you really want to succeed, you have to set up a schedule.

How about this? Watching your finances is like Super Mario Bros. for NES. It looks hard, but then you meet someone who knows what they're doing and you're like, "What? There's fucking warp zones?" And still, the game is kind of hard, but it sure did help to learn from someone who knew what she was doing.

Jesus, no. Okay: your portfolio is like a D&D party. You can't just have all wizards, 'cause at low-levels, you'll blow all your magic missiles on the first encounter. Then what? Probably get slaughtered by a goblin. A fucking goblin, for Christ's sake. And if you have all rogues, sure, great, sneak attack the fuck out of shit, until you fight a golem (amirite???). And at high levels with only fighters? You may as well get a t-shirt that says, "I AM A FUCKING WUSS." You need a balanced party.

Yeah. Your portfolio is like a D&D party.


Dustin said...

That was awesome.

Andrew said...

I LOL'd.

Tony said...'re a nerd.