Monologue: Angry People Talking About God III

by Andrew M. Kasper
Originally written for Matt Salmela
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Public Domain License.

LEON: Homework problems? Psh. You have nothing to worry about; God made this place too goddamn big. Today, I was learning about tying knots and stuff -- you know, for when you’re sailing -- and I started thinking, “What the hell does this matter?” I mean, how important can something be? Then, I started thinking about what the most important thing ever would be: the end of mankind, probably. The end of the world. Like, if a bunch of bombs went off and everyone died. Or if the earth got cracked into a billion pieces by an asteroid. Hey, that’s not even one piece for every person who would be killed. Holy hell. And even if that were the case, even if it were the end of humanity, so what? People have only been around for a few seconds on the clock of All Time. And that’s assuming that even the most conservative estimates of how old the universe is are even close to true. I mean, life has only even been around for a few minutes, unless it started up earlier on some other planet, in which case, maybe a few more minutes than we thought. As far as we know, though, only a few minutes. If we all died, what would it matter? It would just be one of nine known planets near one of millions of known stars in one of billions of galaxies in the hugest place ever. How meaningless would it be to the universe -- to God, the only being who really matters -- if we all died? It would be like Ted Turner dropping a penny. Not even that. It wouldn’t even register as a fart, cosmically. What I’m saying is, cosmically, no one gives a good goddamn about you or your homework, and it doesn’t pay to worry about it.

Monologue: Angry People Talking About God II

by Andrew M. Kasper
Originally written for Matt Salmela
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Public Domain License.

LUCAS: Call it bigotry all you want, you little puss; I call it the truth. They really are money-hungry, deceptive, evil. It’s just a fact. Plain, simple fact. Don’t hate me for it. It’s just how they are; hate them. They’re the ones raising the interest on your loan. You’re paying them for your house and your car… Listen, just forget it. I can’t believe you’re pussing out like this. You don’t even have to do anything that bad. We’re not even going to hurt anyone. Break some windows. It’s like when you hit a foul ball through the neighbor’s window; you saying Mr. Winslow is worse than a Jew? You’ll smash his window? Fine, but if you tell anyone, you’re dead. And when you die and get to Heaven, God’s gonna say, “What’s the matter with you, you little puss?”

Monologue: Angry People Talking About God I

by Andrew M. Kasper
Originally written for Matt Salmela
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Public Domain License.

NILS: Where are you going to go? To look for God? If you see him, tell him I said, “Up yours.” Get back here. I can tell you something about God: he doesn’t love you the way I do. If he did, he would put a roof over you head; he would make love to you; he would at least show up every once in a while. If you want to leave me, fine: your loss. But if you want to leave me for God, I can tell you that you’re never even going to find where he lives because the asshole doesn’t exist. Figment, that’s it. People need the idea for comfort or an excuse to go to war or a reason to hate brown people. He’s not even real. I’m real. Stay here. You can stay here and put up with my ‘harsh reality,’ get some love and attention, have someone to care about, or you can go look for God and fail miserably. I know what I’d choose.