Tuesday, May 1, 2007

ADA: Rich People Have Magical Money Machines

Alternate Dimension Andy (ADA):

I know you don't necessarily want to be rich. Not much point, as long as you can eat and do something that you love (amirite?). You agree with me, I'm sure, that having more money will not, on its own, make a person happier.

On the other hand, rich peeps are kind of an interesting academic topic. How did they get so rich? How do they stay rich? Why rich peeps gots to be like that, yo?

Don't pretend that you don't love sitting around just thinking about academic shit. I know you do, dude. I know you love to just puzzle things through. Arrogant bastard that you are, I'm sure you think you're smarter than all of your starving actor friends (side note: I don't think those people are starving in this dimension). I assure you, ADA, that you are not smarter than they are, but your willingness to puzzle about the finer points of the universe's operation is an admirable quality that I hope you never lose.

Stop stroking that goatee and we'll get back to the topic at hand: how do rich people get rich?

Think about it.

I'm not fucking around, really think about it. Ponder. I want real details. Go sit in a quiet place for ten minutes and really pound away at this question.

Give up?

Answer: I don't really know. If you know an absolutely flawless formula for getting rich, I'd love to hear it. I'm not a rich dude myself. Of course, I think I have a pretty strong theory. Ready? Theory: they use Magical Money Machines (hereafter MMMs).

I have not gone off the deep end, ADA. There is such a thing as an MMM. Only, they're not called that. They're called other things with really arcane names like "The Stock Market," "Certificates of Deposit," and "Oculus Repairo." Okay, not that last one, but the other two are legit. Seriously, there's a million of these MMMs. Each MMM works a little differently, but they have one thing in common: the way the rich use them. Here's the recipe that wealthy people follow:
  1. Put money into an MMM.
  2. Wait.
  3. Slowly, the MMM spits out more money than was put in.
That's it. Seriously.

And now for the point of this message: you can use them too. Anyone with a little bit of money is allowed to use these MMMs.

Excited? Intrigued? Can't wait to learn more? Are you literally sweating bullets?

All right. Calm down. Let's just take a breather.

Here's what I propose to you, ADA. I am going to teach you magic; in exchange, you will use that magic for good. I'm going to tell you about the internal workings of dozens of MMMs, in the vain hope that you actually learn to use them. Maybe you'll actually get rich...ish.

From now on, any post whose title starts "MMM" is about one of these Magical Money Machines. Enjoy, yo.

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